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What TV show makes you laugh the loudest?

Off the top of my head I guess I will say, Everybody loves Raymond. The family dynamic is just hysterical.

Would you rather be a vampire or a werewolf?

Well, I am enlisting every possible method of removing unwanted hair as we speak so I guess werewolf is out. As for Vampire, I mean I hate having irregular periods so I obviously don't like looking for blood. (I know I am a pain in the a-- when it comes to answering questions, huh?)

If you could have been the author of any book, what would it have been?

The Bible.

Ask me anything

Why Women's Feet Are Getting BIgger!

Dear Pendejas of the World,

If you find yourself reaching for the next size up from your usual hammer toe causing paw cover let me give you a brief run down as to why.

IF you followed the trend and wore the flat no type of arch guiding shoes that have been the rave for the last few years you have successfully widened your foot.

Yes, baby girl! No more dainty stilettos for you! You have officially joined the HOOF CLUB! Having all your body weight come down all day in those ballerina shoes gave your foot the encouragement it needed to make the soles of your feet round out to a near perfect circle.

Next time use your common sense and don't be a slave to fashion.

A Sad Thing Has Happened

Dear Burger King,





I don't like the grey meat you serve for burgers, I hate the taste of your fake BBQ style food. For years, if there were a choice of YOU or NOTHING, my fatass has chose to eat NOT A DAYUM THING.






However, in recent years you have lured me through your glass finger-print smudged doors with the introduction of the MOCHA JOE - the yahoo-and-coffee concoction some brilliant associate of yours stumbled upon a ways back.





Then, one day, clear out of the sky, the genius of the BURGER KING CHEESY TOT was born. I could not tell you how much I loved your establishment from that moment on. I gladly seek you out every where and have burned much gas in my pursuit to find you. I have become a very willing suitor for you and your seductive wiles.






Week after week I have turned into a TYRONE BIGGUMS type Connossiuer of your processed cheese goodness. Imagine the look on my addicted face when I found out this morning that they were discontinued.



Yes, there are no words.



When the runny-nosed Burger King Manager looking sleep-deprived with weave in disarray mouthed the words to me in her morning breath, "BURGER KING HAS DISCONTINUED TATER TOTS."





I was stunned. What Brilliant health nut in corporate laid down that law? You my friend are a F*cking Idiot! I cancelled my order and decided, there was nothing else I could possibly eat. I'd rather take my money elsewhere.


Thanks for messing up a good thing. Hope you go out of business.

Another One Bites The Dust,
Irene Ocasio

Today's Mantra

"He Who Angers You Wins." - Elizabeth Kenny

This is my personal signature line on my phone's email. Before someone pisses me off to the point where I will show it, I think of this and try to calm myself.

I once worked for a millionaire (who shall remain nameless), who instead of taking it to heart and not getting upset themselves, called me to ask me how could he "WIN"...

I feel like that question spoke volumes about his character and was a major player in my decision to leave working for him.

Your Not Fully Clean Unless Your...

You know that clean feeling you get when you are at the dentist? That ultimate teeth cleaning when they use that (insert your favorite flavor name here) toothpaste with the grit that makes it seem like they are scraping gravel on your teeth while a blender is being turned on in your ear?

Well, I know how to get that clean without the dentist!

Recently, I discovered this Colgate toothpaste Max White that gives you such a CLEAN feeling on your teeth. Now I know Colgate is usually the cheaper brand, but I assure you - this is so worth. Try it! I promise you will like it!

Charla Nash Mauled By Travis

This breaks my heart. This beautiful woman - Charla Nash was mauled by a Chimpanzee named Travis. She went from this to this.